Suddenly I See
by eager2write
Summary: A look at why the women interns chose to be doctors. Song by KT Tunstall. One shot.


Italics are flashbacks, bold is lyrics.

The song is Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**Her face is a map of the world  
Is a map of the world  
You can see she's a beautiful girl  
She's a beautiful girl  
And everything around her is a silver pool of light  
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it  
It makes you calm  
She holds you captivated in her palm**

Suddenly I see  
This is what I wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me  
This is what i wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me 

Cristina Yang knew when she was six years old that she wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to wear the little mask in the sterilized room, and she wanted to have the power to save a life. She wanted the power to save her father's life. She didn't know how when she was six, but she knew now. She'd spent years and years in school studying diligently on how to precisely save a life. She was ready.

In less than twelve hours, she would be in her scrubs starting her first shift as a real doctor at Seattle Grace. She didn't care about tonight. She didn't care to mingle, she didn't want to know who she was going to have to beat to be the best- she would do it whether they had a name or not. She smiled as she recognized some of the older doctors. They would be her teachers. She was smart and confident, but her stomach tingled at the idea of learning more.

Preston Burke was possibly her hero. If she would ever admit to having one. He was as close to perfection in person as he was in all of the articles that featured him. He had a cocky smile- a smile that let her know that he knew that he was her idol, almost as if he knew that she was going to seek him out specifically. Cardio intrigued her. Her college professor had told her over and over how it felt to hold a beating heart in her hand, and she was more than anxious to find her own words for it. She wanted to hold someone's life in her hand so badly she could taste it. All the adjectives in the world did not suffice for her brain. She needed to feel it. It was almost all she could think about. Now that she was so close to him, she couldn't bring herself to think of anything else. He had a date, but she didn't care. She wasn't looking for a boyfriend, she was looking for her idol.

He'd let her down. He'd laughed at her when she'd stumbled so terribly on her praise. She'd been nervous- so nervous. She hated herself for it. She was never nervous. She didn't like that he brought that out in her. She didn't give him permission to make her imperfect. Perfection was not her goal, it was a requirement. She would allow nothing less than perfection. Her father deserved perfection.

_The waiting room had been cold, and there weren't enough chairs in it for Cristina to have a chair of her own. She'd had to sit in her mother's lap, and she hated it. Her mother's legs were too bony and frail to hold her for longer than a few minutes, leaving Cristina to stand. She wasn't allowed to pace. Her mother wouldn't allow it. Only people who knew not what to do paced. Cristina had been told what to do. Be silent. Be still. Even at the age of six, Cristina had wanted to demand a new doctor for her dad. The doctor, his name had been Dr. Hadenson, he was an incompetent moron. She would have rather someone, anyone else, have worked on him, but the hospital had been short on staff that night with the holidays, leaving them with no one else. Cristina vowed that she would never request a holiday off, ever. How selfish! She nearly snarled as the doctor made his way into the waiting room. He wouldn't look at her. That's how she knew it wasn't good news. He would want her to know that she had no reason to worry if he was okay. She found that adults wanted children to preserve their innocence for as long as possible. No one wanted to be the person to tell a little girl that her father died. There was no way to preserve that innocence._

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, and without even realizing what she was doing, Cristina put as much force as she could and kicked him in the shin. He'd taken away the one person that loved her unconditionally. It was unforgivable, and she wanted him to know it.

"CRISTINA!" Her mother scolded her, grabbing onto her hand fiercely as she looked back at the doctor. "You're sorry?" The woman blinked, looking around the room at all the faces that were filled with pity for her and her daughter. "No. You must be mistaken." She shook her head. "You must mean someone else. My husband.. he.. he is healthy! He runs two miles everyday! He doesn't eat chocolate. His favorite food is apple! My husband is NOT dead!"

"Ma'am." The man took a step back, not wanting to give the mother a chance to copy the daughter. "There were extensive injuries in the car wreck. I did everything I could. There was just.. too much damage." His eyes shifted to his shoes, but it didn't last. His eyes only found the little girl's eyes that were forming puddles on her cheeks. "I'm sorry." He repeated the rather pointless sentiment. He didn't know what else he could say.

"You KILLED him!" Cristina screamed, kicking the doctor once again before running off in the direction the doctor had come from. When she was hurt, her dad was the one that would kiss the pain away. She just knew if she could get to him, it would work for him too. It had to. She couldn't not have her dad.

She didn't make it fifteen feet before a nurse caught her in her arms, and by then Cristina was too exhausted to do anything but cry. It wasn't the nurses fault, she told herself as she allowed the woman to pick her up. She would have been able to save him. She swore it as her mother held her in her arms. It wasn't the longest Cristina could remember that her mother held her without complaint, and it was the last. 

"This is for you, dad." She whispered as she left the dinner, instead opting to give herself a tour of the hospital. She was going to be ready, it didn't matter if she walked the halls the entire night.

**I feel like walking the world  
Like walking the world  
You can hear she's a beautiful girl  
She's a beautiful girl  
****She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white  
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember  
What you heard  
She likes to leave you hanging on a wire**

Suddenly I see  
This is what I wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me  
This is what I wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me 

Meredith still couldn't believe she'd accepted the internship at the hospital her mother's reign was in. Well, one of them. She should have stayed on the east coast. The east coast suited her. She was three- thousand miles away from the woman who birthed her. The woman she'd spent more time taking care of than vice versa. She envied her mother for forgetting. Meredith wished she had such a luxury. She didn't envy what else came with her mother's loss of memory, but she did envy forgetting.

She was wearing a dress. Megan, her college roommate, would be proud- if she could get over the shock. It was a short dress too. Meredith knew that her mother wished she'd been so dress appropriate when she was younger, instead of the pink-dyed hair and the closet of nothing but black clothes. Meredith was glad her mother couldn't see her now- there. Her mother did not want her to be a doctor. She said she wasn't tough enough- she wasn't extraordinary enough to be a tenth of what she'd have to live up to. Even turning the 30-year milestone, Meredith was still defying her mother. With a smile on her face, she looked around the room that was filled with upcoming interns- just like herself. She wondered vaguely if any of them would like her. She doubted it. She didn't need friends- interns were enemies by nature. They were too competitive for anything else. She hoped none of them thought otherwise.

She'd hoped she'd have more self-satisfaction standing in that room full of her soon-to-be co-workers. She was in a room full of bright, intelligent people and she was one of them. She'd thought it'd make her happy to prove her mother wrong, but it did not. It was a large room, but she swore the walls were closing in on her. Claustrophobia was hitting hard. There wasn't even anyone close to her. There'd been that one guy that'd tried talking to her for the longest time, but she'd finally excused herself to the bathroom. Telling a girl that you still live with your mother is not attractive. She didn't want to be rude though, it wasn't as if he was harming her. He just did not stand a chance.

After the welcome speech from the Chief of Surgery, Meredith high-tailed it out of there. She would be spending enough time in the building as it was without being there on her free-will. She'd made an appearance, and that was enough. She didn't care if it wasn't. She slipped out of the door without so much as a questioning glance, or one that she saw. She didn't really turn around to find out for sure.

She was relieved when she saw the bar across the street. It would be her sanctuary from the hell she was certain her internship would leash on her. Life had a way of doing that, being hell. She wasn't sure her beliefs on the after life, but she wondered vaguely if hell could really be so bad. Not that she was necessarily wanting to find out herself, but she was certain she'd been through her fair share of tragedies to say that life wasn't a piece of cake on a silver platter. She slid onto a bar stool, immediately waving over the bartender and ordered three tequila shots. She knew she could not get drunk, but she just needed to take the edge off. Why are you here, Meredith? She scolded herself as she downed the first shot.

_She was just a little girl when it happened. She'd been dying of thirst the entire bus ride home, and all she could think about is how much she wanted to get home and have a glass of ice water. Her mother would probably be at work- she hoped, and if she was, Meredith had decided with finality that she was going to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as well. Her mother frowned upon such a meal, but Meredith didn't care. It was her favorite. She hid the jelly in the back of the fridge. Her mother never spent enough time in the kitchen to notice a small jar in the back of a storage unit she rarely opened. Meredith made a list of items she needed, and the babysitter, Lucy, took her on Fridays to the grocery store. It was usually the same list, but sometimes- Meredith liked to treat herself to something a little extra. Her mother never checked receipts._

She was disappointed when she stepped off the bus to find that her mother's car was in the driveway- which meant she was home. So much for her treat, she grumbled, clinging tightly to her back pack as she forced herself inside the house, making sure to lock it from the inside. It annoyed her to no end that her mother never locked the door.

"Mom?" Meredith called up the stairwell, not really surprised when she received no response. Her mother was probably sleeping. Maybe she could have her snack after all, she grinned, setting her book bag in the living room entrance before rushing to the kitchen. She didn't know how much time she would have. She was all smiles as she pushed the swinging door open, but the smile quickly fell when she saw her mother sitting on the kitchen floor with the knife enclosed in her left hand. "MOM!" She screamed, and she couldn't remember a time her voice was so shrill. Tears pooled her eyes as she ran to her mother, who's head was leaning against the counter, wavering on the edge of unconsciousness. "Mom!" She cried, unfolding her mother's fingers from the knife, sliding it across the floor towards the entrance before jumping up to grab two towels- one wet and one dry. "What happened?" Her tears continued to fall as her mother allowed her to wrap her hand in the towel. She was shocked when her mother's right hand began stroking her hair. Her mother had never been one to be affectionate. Why wasn't she freaking out?

"Meredith.." Her mother whispered, wincing as she instinctively tightened her grasp on the towel that was already drenched in blood. It wasn't until then that Meredith noticed that the slash in her hand was only one of several. The arm had at least three other ones, each seemingly deeper than the one before it.

"What happened?" She asked again. She didn't understand. Her mother was a doctor- a surgeon. She never did anything without precision, without thinking it through. Her mother did not have accidents. She was perfect.

"Meredith. I need you to promise me something." Her voice was strained, and all Meredith could do was nod. Of course she wasn't going to say no. "You have to promise me you won't call 911, Meredith. You have to PROMISE!" Meredith's eyes widened in shock as she shook her head. She couldn't promise that. She wouldn't. She wasn't going to let her mother die.

"You can't make me promise that!"

"I will never forgive you, Meredith. Do you understand me? I will never forgive you." Meredith's tears began meshing with the puddle of blood beside her mother. The phone was only ten feet away.  
_  
"Ok Mom." She whispered, tucking her chest into her knees, allowing her body to rack with sobs as she watched her mother fight the sleep taking over._

"Meredith?" Her mother's voice was even softer, and Meredith had to control her sobs just to hear her- but she managed. She'd been forced to stop the tears enough times to be able to control the noise. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I am sorry." Her mother whispered before letting herself fall sideways, her head hitting the floor with a dull thud.

"Mom?" Meredith forced herself to slide closer, wincing as her knee hit the puddle of red liquid. She shook her mother slightly, and relief washed over her when she got no response. She jumped to her feet, not hesitating a moment before dialing 9-1-1. Her mother would forgive her for saving her life. Maybe not immediately- but she would. She had to.

"Hello?" She cried into the phone, blurbing out something she wasn't sure was understandable, only sensing relief when she heard the words "on the way." She just prayed it wasn't too late. She didn't know how long her mother had been sitting there, and she didn't know what it meant that she was passed out.

"I'm sorry I had to call, mom." She whispered as she grabbed another towel, wrapping another wound as delicately as possible. "I would save you myself if I could. If only I knew how. If only I were more like you." She cried, trying to remember how her mother had treated her cuts. She couldn't remember a time her mother had done so though, so she instead focused on how Lucy would do them. It was the only thing she knew to do. 

It was in that moment that Meredith vowed to become a doctor. She'd promised herself she would save a life someday.

A sad smile crossed Meredith's face as she finished the last shot. Her mother had never forgiven her. She hadn't thrown her out on the streets, but she'd never forgiven. She'd never been able to hide the pure dislike in her eyes.

"Hi. I'm Derek Shepherd." Meredith wanted to laugh as he stuck out his hand. She wanted to tell him that she couldn't save him if he wasn't bleeding, but instead she just smiled and ordered another drink. Three wouldn't be enough after all. She'd learned how to save a life, but this man was clearly still breathing- even if he didn't know it.

**And she's taller than most  
And she's looking at me  
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine  
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower  
A big strong tower yeah  
She got the power to be  
The power to give  
The power to see**

Suddenly I see  
This is what I wanna be  
**Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me  
This Is what i wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me **

Izzie Stevens was pretty. She knew that about herself. She knew what people saw when they looked at her. They saw the model that was in the magazine spreads. They saw perfection, but she did not. She saw a little too much digital magic, and more make up than most people wear in a week. More than she wore in a month. She was tired of being the pretty girl. She had a brain too. She'd put herself through college, and she deserved to be here just like the rest of them. She'd beat the odds. She wasn't there because it was what her parents expected of her. She wasn't trying to make her mommy love her. Her mom hadn't expected her to go to school at all. Much less med school. Being a surgeon hadn't been in the cards for her, but she made it happen. She doubted anyone in that room was as proud of themselves as she was.

Alex Karev. He'd said his name with a sense of pride that reminded her of her ex-boyfriend, and she was immediately repulsed. At least that's what she told herself after he walked away from her after telling her there was no way she'd survive the first year. She wanted to slap him, the same way she wanted to slap every other person who told herself she couldn't do something. Her high school best friend, Lauren, had told her over and over that she just couldn't have the baby, that it would ruin her life. Izzie had resisted. She proved her wrong. Her mother had told her that she couldn't raise it. She'd lost that battle.

"_Isobel." Her mother called her name, calling her into the small kitchen of their trailer. She was almost at eight months in a few days, and she'd nearly been bed-ridden. She was always so tired, even though she could never get comfortable._

"Coming, mom." She forced herself off the bed, holding her lower back as she waddled out of her room. She'd never realized exactly how small their house was until she was pregnant and she had to maneuver her way around the small cramped places that she used to have no problem with. "What's up?" She asked, sitting down at the table across from her mother.

"We need to talk, Isobel." Her mother cleared her throat, and Izzie had a sinking feeling in her stomach. Anytime her mother used her full name with that phrase, it was never good for her.

"About what?" She asked cautiously, getting ready to argue. She hated arguing with her mother. It made her upset, and even more tired than she already was.

"The baby." Her mother averted her eyes, and Izzie knew that this was going to be exceptionally unpleasant.

"There is nothing to discuss, mother. I am keeping her." Izzie made sure her voice was stern as she locked eyes. "Do you regret keeping me?" Her face paled as the question slipped her lips.

"Of course not, Iz." Her mother whispered, folding her hands in her lap. "But it was different for me. My parents had money, it wasn't a lot, but it was suffice. We don't have money, we don't have the room, and we don't have anything we need to raise this baby."  
_  
"That's what baby showers are for, mom." Izzie responded, her voice already breaking. She knew, in a way, that she couldn't give the baby the life that it deserved, but she loved her. She'd been growing inside for so long, and she was a part of her. She couldn't let her go without a fight._

"Who are you going to invite?" The words cut deeper than Izzie had expected them to. It'd hurt when most of her friends had abandoned her with the news, but it was worse now that she really needed them. Just as she stood up to leave the table, Izzie's eyes widened in shock. "No. NO. NO! This can NOT be happening!" Tears showered her face as Izzie looked down at her feet where a puddle of water was already forming.

"Oh my god. We have to get to the hospital, Isobel."

"It's too soon! I need. I need more time." Izzie cried, her hands hovering protectively on her stomach.

"It's going to be okay, Iz. I promise." Her mother cooed into her ear as she was led out to their car. She knew in that moment that there was no way she could keep it, and it shattered her heart. 

Tears pricked at her eyes, but she quickly shook them away as she made her way out of the room. She needed a good night's sleep for her first shift, if she was lucky, a night of dreams that her past didn't haunt her in. She was going to be a great surgeon, and she was going to save lives. She was going to save a baby's life.

**Suddenly I see  
This is what I wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me  
This Is what i wanna be  
Suddenly I see  
Why the hell it means so much to me **


End file.
